How to fall in love in your 30s

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My whole life people said, you’ll know when you meet him. You will feel it. I knew what it was to agape-love someone, that seemed effortless and I felt that love easily towards most people. But to “fall in love”, the butterfly, heart pounding, head spinning love was only something I’d heard about, saw in movies and dreamed of since I was a little girl.

My friends would all say, just write an affirmation and manifest it Liza – that always works for you. And it’s true, I believe we can manifest anything and I do it daily. I’ve filled journals with lists of affirmations that have magically come true! I told my best friend, we’ll meet a magician tonight to invite to our Halloween party tonight – and of course we actually did! I drove by a house and said I remember a garage sale here with tons of cool toys and nice people – I wish I could find a daycare like this, posted something on Facebook and it was literally the woman who lived in that exact house that reached out and my kids went to daycare there! The list goes on and on of crazy examples of how easy it is to manifest what you want. But this was the one thing I wanted more than anything – to fall in love. I was so afraid that if I wrote it and didn’t get it, my winning streak of manifestation would be over. I was so afraid to not get it all. Fear – it’s so fucking debilitating.

I’ve spent the last year “trying” to be single. Trying to be okay alone. Trying to feel comfortable sleeping outside of a mans arms. Trying to feel good about being a single mom. Trying to run businesses and become financially independent while raising two toddlers. Trying to learn how to socialize and make friends after a codependent, decade-long isolated marriage with literally NO friends. Trying to take out my trash and fix leaky sinks on my own like the grown-ass 34 year old woman I am.

And I didn’t just try. I did. I overcame every uncomfortable challenge. Every lonely night. Every single-mom holiday-event where you watch all the happy married families around you and feel an awkward twinge of jealousy. I did it. No man rescued me. I rescued me. I was my own knight in shining armor. I faced the pain, until it didn’t feel like pain anymore. It just became our life. And when I discovered I could do it on my own, it felt empowering. No one to answer to or worry about, other than me and my babies. And then about several weeks ago, I just let it go. I was over these men and the dating world (I wrote How Not to Date In Your 30s). Ready to face life, just me, myself and I. Finally Confident that I could conquer it alone. Excited to just love myself for the first time. And I did.

I promised myself that if I decided to date anyone, I was worthy of falling in love with a man who I adored equally. I turned down opportunities to date some awesome guys because I just knew intuitively, even though they were perfect on paper, the right feeling just wasn’t there. For the first time ever, I would rather be alone than with someone I wasn’t 100% sure of. That was huge progress for me. I told myself for the first time, “You’ll know Liza. You deserve that surety. You deserve to “fall in love” with someone you adore equally.”  But the truth is, I no longer cared if he showed up. It was almost a relief to not put energy into the idea of a man anymore. I let it go.

And finally, for the first time, I got the courage to write the one affirmation I’ve always been scared to write on my mirror – “I deserve to fall in love”. To really be clear to the universe, I wrote another note on my desk that said, “I am worthy or receiving an amazing man’s heart who adore equally.” And then to top off all these self-worth affirmations and the notion of not-settling, my best friend gave me a Love Spell!

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8 days after I read the Love Spell and 3 days after I wrote the affirmations on my mirror, like magic, I heard a knock on my door that would change my world.  In walked the hottest photo client I’d ever met. My mouth almost dropped open when this delicious, well dressed man who smelled intoxicating, stepped into my foyer. I seemed to lose all sense of professionalism and coolness, and like a weirdo I threw my arms around him and hugged him. Like I was so excited to be near him. He felt so familiar – so I just pulled him right in! Then I remembered I was a professional and thought “WTF was that Liza?! Don’t be weird”. I pulled away and said “Oh my gosh I’m sorry – do we know each other?!” And he said “Yes Liza, I met you three years ago in a real estate class”. Wow! He remembered me from 3 years ago! And then I remembered him too! I remembered trying not to stare across the crowded room filled with over 100 people into his amazing blue eyes every 5 seconds. I remembered his smile, his eyes, his kind energy, the way he dressed.

I awkwardly lead him to the kitchen where I started taking his photo. It was so hard for me to stay composed looking into those blue eyes surrounded by the most attractive face and sweet smile. Normally I feel calm and collected, but with him I felt stupid and fumbling. He showed me a photo he took of his guy friend and I said, ” Oh is that your boy friend?”, half fishing to see if he was available – but sounding like an emasculating idiot. He just laughed and said no I’m straight.

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He wrote a business review on my Facebook page that night and I took that opportunity to apologize for my awkwardness and flirt with him on messenger. He then asked me if he could work as an assistant for my photo company. I was like, “ummm hell yes” #naughtyteacherfantasy! But even though he was the hottest man, I was very unattached to even the idea of dating him. After all, for the first time ever I was finally okay being on my own. Not to mention very jaded by all the fuck-boys I’d just experienced dating.

But he was surprisingly different. He initiated plans with me almost every day. He made it clear that he wanted to see me. He even apologized if he took more than an hour to respond to a text! He asked to go along on photo trips and with me and my toddlers, at times even re-arranging his schedule. He took us to a Wiener Dog Races and Octoberfest. Drove out after midnight to meet me and my friends for drinks. He said things like “It’s intoxicating to watch the way you love your children.” (#singlemomfantasy) But he never made a pass at me. So I just assumed he wanted to be friends. After all, my insecure ego fought the acceptance that a super hot guy who was so cool would want to date a single mom. And then one day he said, “Your heart is the most beautiful heart I’ve ever seen and if I could download what’s in it, I’d be lucky”. My mouth dropped open. I was like I think this guy likes me – likes me!? After polling all my friends, like the 13 year old girl I am, they unanimously answered – ummm for sure he’s into you!

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The air was thick around him.  It was hard for me to breath. Since I had finally let go of finding someone, only a few weeks ago, I was totally myself around him. I basically listed my flaws for him because for the first time, I didn’t care what men thought. I didn’t want to play any games. But he didn’t seem to mind my flaws, in fact he seemed to like me just the way I was! I eventually told him about ALL the crazy things I’ve done in my past, and he just kept saying, “I think you’re amazing Liza.” And “Thank you for the best week ever”.

One day, he asked me to do a heart meditation (which is a super intimate meditation where you place your hands on someones heart and stare into their eyes – um yeah super connective). Which turned into…well…you know 🙊 He then asked me sweetly if I minded if he stayed the night and held me in his arms the whole night like he was in love with me! He asked me if I thought we were married in a past life. He told me he’s waited 31 years to meet me, and that I was his “unicorn”. That I wasn’t just beautiful, but I was kind – and that was one of the most attractive things about me. He said “People told me I’d never find a girl like you, but I knew they were wrong.” That I reminded him so much of himself. (Guess that “Be the person you want to attract” thing is true! ) He asked if he could hang out with my kids and said I want to know them. He brought my daughter flowers and danced with her. He took my son fishing. He was so kind and sweet, so hot, so amazing, I could hardly believe he was real!

And all I had to to was just let go. Just decided I was ready to be on my own. Just practice being okay on my own – fully taking care of and loving myself, without the longing for someone else to take care of me. That “longing” is what I think people mean when they say, “Once you let go – he’ll show up”. That longing is a belief in lack. A needy belief that someone else is going to “save” us. If we buy into that thought, when a man does show up – we’ll be clingy and desperate instead of truly loving.  Real love, doesn’t “need” anyone or anything. That’s the false romantic puppy love. But that doesn’t mean we let people cross boundaries and disrespect us. We have to be authentic to ourselves and not be so scared to lose someone that we hide our feelings when they’ve been hurt or feel off. Only two weeks after we became intimate, I’ve nervously told him, “Hey being true to myself, I have to tell you that your reserved nature is a little hard for me because I can’t read your mind, and while I think you like me, I’m in a spot in my life where I need to hear that in words. Although I wish it weren’t so, I’m not the most confident at times and words of affirmation make me feel loved and assured. I get it that’s not in your nature – you’re shy and I respect who you are. And if you think it’s too much for your to open up – we can definitely remain friends, but to for me to be comfortable continuing an intimate relationship, I will need to hear from your heart how you feel about me more.” Although I fell in love” for the first time ever, I was fully ready to let go because I finally knew I didn’t NEED A MAN. But do you know what happened? Because I wasn’t afraid of losing him, and just owned my feelings and shared them honestly – with no expectations for him to change, he opened up his heart and said the following. “I’m in love with you Liza. I will never hurt you and I would do anything for you. I would love it if you give me time to practice opening up, it’s not in my nature – but I want to try.” And every day since then he’s openly shared his heart and affirmed me – because I wasn’t afraid of sharing mine. When we’re authentic to ourselves, when we face our fears, when we trust our gut, when we listen to our feelings, everything we want and more can come to us!

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A few naysayers have commented, “Wait until the honeymoon phase wears off.” And maybe they’re right? Maybe life will shift and we won’t be together. But that isn’t even a concern for me as I’m enjoying the NOW. I can’t know who I will be in a decade, a year, a month or even next week! I’m ever evolving, as is he, as is every human. I know I’m good on my own now and don’t feel a “neediness” for a man anymore (even this amazing one). Just a pure enjoyment of his company. But today – in this moment – I feel what it feels like to be in love. And if feels fucking amazing!

It’s so obvious that I’m finally right where I need to be. “Do you want to date him?” My friends would ask about every guy I meet. The answer was always, “Not really – but he’s so nice and he’s XYZ…so I wouldn’t mind seeing him again.” Well this time, for the first time ever, YES I WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN…AND AGAIN. He’s kind, adventurous, open-minded, great with his hands, sweet, genuine, confident, suave, a photographer, loves excuses to dress in costume (if you know me – you know it’s a match!), dresses amazingly, hot as fuck, has had 2 long term relationships – so commitment isn’t an issue, he makes plans with me almost daily – yet not clingy, he’s my dream man. And there’s no “but” at the end of that sentence. Like for the first time, I’m sure I want to experience a relationship with someone. Like for sure.

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If I had known this feeling was out there, I would have never settled into relationships that took so much of my time and energy. Dragging my life, and partner’s life, out until we both faced the reality we already knew. I know so many people like this, stuck in their relationships, dating or married, hating it and feeling trapped. I know that feeling. I know the effort it takes to face the world on your own – especially when you’ve got two little ones to look after and your nature is to take the easiest way for the kids. But the Tao always says, you become happy – your kids will be happy. To teach them joy, be joy. And so I faced the incredibly hard battle of a divorce and created an incredible home-based business around the most important job of all – raising my children. I rebuilt everything, from the ground up. It was the hardest, scariest thing I’ve ever done. It sounds so easy to say it, but it’s so fucking hard to go through it.

And letting go of the “longing” for my dream man, wasn’t easy either. It took all of my fears being faced. All of my courage to let go of the notion someone could rescue me. It took rescuing myself. Being strong and determined. It took believing in my self. Knowing that I don’t “need” anyone – including him. (I just like and thoroughly 😏 enjoy him). It took a huge chunk of my savings account to invest in therapy, rationalizing that my mindset and self was the most valuable thing I could invest in.  Forgiving men who hurt me. Forgiving myself for hurting men.It took crying almost every day for months. All of this was not so “easy”, but it was so simple. As profound truths usually are.

Now I cry almost every other day tears of joy. The best way I can describe it is that cry you get at the end of a romantic movie where you can’t believe how in-love the couple is and you can just feel the sweetness as if you’re Julia Roberts…I literally feel like I’m fucking Julia Roberts. I cry in his arms several times a week and he sweetly says, “Pumpkin are those happy tears?” And I say “Yes, I feel like I’m finally the girl in the movie. It’s so overwhelming, I can’t believe you’re real!”

So here it is – what’s on the other side of the crazy dating world in your 30s – falling deeply, madly in love in your 30s! You can fall in love too, meet the man of your dreams, find the best friend you’ve always dreamed of, win a pin up contest, make a ton of money doing what you love, book tropical vacations while still getting paid, you can have whatever you like! All of these things have come to me over the past few years (since facing my biggest fear – being a single, divorced mom) and your dreams can come true for you too! I dare you to let yourself dream. Start a journal without the word “but”. Start believing without limitations. Start loving and believing in yourself. Write an affirmation on your mirror, date it, and see how quickly it comes to you!

I’d love to hear your story in the comments or via email so we can all inspire each other…thanks for reading!

My next dream that I’m manifesting, is helping people achieve whatever their dreams are – and I’d love to help you realize your limitless potential! I see everyone as worthy and capable of having their heart’s desires. If you need help writing affirmations, focus wheels, vision boards, even discovering your hearts desires, or just feel stuck, I’m now doing  life-coaching consultations. For details on a totally free first-time coaching consultation email me at liza@lizasue.com

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